I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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