My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
