Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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