You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
tonight lets celebrate not being married
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
