It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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