I need to stop coming to work sober
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
