the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
