He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
