got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
