My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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