You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize