If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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