My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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