I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
