just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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