Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
