there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's rum buckets o'clock
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
