OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
