Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
