Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
