Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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