My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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