i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
