I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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