There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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