I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
