Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It's just like the Real World with babies
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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