I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Randomize
