so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
