Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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