i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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