my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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