I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Rumble strips road head = magical
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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