a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
