Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
