hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh god the rape fog is back!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize