rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think my moral compass just broke
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