Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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