I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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