So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
