she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize