by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize