my sisters under your porch take her home
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
