I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
