Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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