are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
sex in a hospital.. check
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
