Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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