an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
