Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
