I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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