he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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