So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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