Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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