there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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