I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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