You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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