I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
