My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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