Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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