haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
