i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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