your parents love me but you hate me
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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