Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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