I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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