I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
