I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
