I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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