(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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