So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
