You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize