You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize