I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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