I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
