if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
