He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
