oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
